I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
