Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
