so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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