My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
