Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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