Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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