Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
