apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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