I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
