If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
