I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
