so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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