May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
