she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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