"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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