i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Its about making memories worth repressing
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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