Well apparently he's into motor boating.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
