hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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