I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
