If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
