Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
