If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
