i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
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He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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