Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
