Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
