Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
