I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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