Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
