me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
