Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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