We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
