at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
