His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
