I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just found puke in my bra..
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
