my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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