Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
