I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
