I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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