I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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