You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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