need another drink. this is the easiest way
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize