Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
