i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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