I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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