Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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