party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
