he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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