you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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