He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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