My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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