remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
