You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
