May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
