Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
