i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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