Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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